My Period of Metamorphosis

Hey, there. Haven't write in here for quite a long time. Not that I didn't know what to write, there were a lot of things going on and I want to write about it, I want to express it in some way. But I was hesitating, because not only things happened, but also because I started to realize when I look back down the road I've walked and past, I'm not the same person when I started my journey in this world. I don't know when is the turning point or when it started exactly, but I think it happened gradually, naturally and I'm only aware of it when I realize the me right now, the one who's typing this is just not the same person she used to be once. So I didn't want to write, because I am feeling confused with myself and I still am now, and trying to express yourself when you're in confusion, I don't feel good about it. But now perhaps I'm accepting that I've changed and I'm still changing I think I should write about it even if I can't completely express it here.

 I do realize people change throughout their lives and everyone is experiencing it. I am not the only one. Is this a good thing for me or will it destroy me altogether? I don't know, I need help I guess. For a moment I think this is what should happen, sooner or later, this is the way I should be. But at one point I'll think, it's destroying me, it brings me farther from my target in this life, it turns me into a different person whom I thought I would never be. I am not going to point finger, that's ridiculous, because I know you don't just change because of one event or one person, it's more than that, it's the whole situation, it's continuous, overlay and like a puzzle they make up the big picture. Like a sequence in DNA, they make up the new protein.

Wanna know the old me? The old me like to watch anime and movies with a lot of blood, mass killing and cruelty in it. I watch the horror movie of the year and I love seeing the psychopath who cause it to happen. In school, I'll sit in front if the class, I'll choose the table in front where the teacher will be standing, I completed the lame, absurd homework nobody wants to do, and I'd always had my eyes focus on the teacher. As soon as I'm going home I'll complete my homework and only after that would I watch the television. I had lots of guys friends who don't think of me as a girl and only realized it after they went to other places and started to think they once had a girl friend in their group. Yeah, one of my guy friend had called me after we haven't met for about a year and talked to me how he found girls were always whining and complaining he that he didn't know how to deal with them And then the sentence comes out, "Hey, how come when I was with you last time, I don't feel this uneasy? You're a girl too, but I don't have this problem with you." And I too, didn't treat my guys and girls friends differently, which made me a blurred person. Who takes every guys words as a joke and ended up making few people to give up before they even say 'I like you' after their countless hints were shook off as a joke by me. And a lot more, I don't want to go on.

As for the new me, I'm a girl who likes to watch love stories which is so fiction and fantastical it couldn't be happening in real life. I like the cheesy words people say to each other which I hated it before. I choose to sit at the back in class although the front row is still empty and I'm not even writing down a single note from the lecturer. Sometime, I don't even know what class I was in. Forget about homework, even a few hours from test, I'm still surfing the internet. But now I have lots of  girls friend and I started to understand a lot more about girl. How they think about certain guys, how they react towards surprise, how they screamed to that tiny insect creeping into their closet, how they cried when things are not working out, how they concerned for people they know a little too much and how they got excited for every little thing.

That's what happening now and still happening, I found the new me in every action I do now, and I thought how I would react if I'm still the old me, that's how I know I've changed. I think it's a good thing that now I'm more girlish, more depending and more delicate, but at the same time I don't like my attitude towards my studies. I seriously need to be the old me, the nerd, whatever, I want to be that, I want to stay among the best.

I think I've write a lot, I want to stop here. There's no answer, but I know there's a way. To make this worthy. Till then, have a nice day to everyone reading this post.^0^